Your happiness does mean (as in Cowboy language) having to have that showdown at dawn at the ‘high corral’, that last meeting with your enemy and to talk it through with them. Otherwise this ‘enemy’ will always be popping up and giving you nasty surprises. Understanding your past is one of the ways of making friends with that ‘other’ you. Gosh we all have the enemy at times. The enemy within can be much more frightening than the enemy outside. The enemy that insists you stay in an unhappy relationship, that insists you pursue some imaginary life, the enemy that weaves a web of fantasy as to your strengths and talents. This is a frightening enemy that does not allow your real friend to come out. The highly critical voice needs to be acknowledged and not silenced with drugs. It always returns. Make friends with your inner-devil. Time to play with him or her…..

©2012 Yaz

It is impossible not to have one if we are striving and trying to reach and stretch ourselves. His was an exceptionally large loss. Billions of pounds which sloshed around away from the banks and disappeared into ether. The rest of us can suffer loss too. We can fail exams, fail at a marriage, be caught with our hand in the cookie-jar, be the subject of a drug bust, have an affair and be found out, be caught in an indecent act in a public toilet, or even more; we can have one or all of the above published in the public domain. The public domain changes the private matter into a public feast. All this can go on. It happens at some level to all of us. What really counts though, is what we do with it. Do we continue as before? Continue making broken promises? Not changing or do we then use that failure to change and launch ourselves. Many keep repeating the same patterns. Not changing anything. I wonder what Mr Fred Goodwin will do now. I have no doubt he will rise again like a Phoenix. He has a pension of slightly over £6000 a week. His physical body will certainly survive. What would you do if you had that to help you in your next stage of life? What can we do now? What can you or I do to change our own shortcomings? I suggest a spiritual edge to any change. When change is carried out that comes from the heart and not the head or wallet, it is the best change for ourselves and for others.

©2012 Yaz

We live in the 21^st century. There is more food than we need in the western world. Obesity is on the rise. There are still butter and sugar mountains in the European Union. Food is not the issue it once was. Many more live in homes than are homeless. More are working than are not working. Women do not have to necessarily stay within the strict rules of social behaviour. They can be married, live with someone or live alone. Women are more highly educated than they were at the start of the last century. I remember 30 years ago being told, it was not healthy nor necessary to educate girls.Children now go to school for longer than they used to in the early 20^th century. More go to university now than ever did. Yet, depression rates seem to have risen. It makes you wonder doesn’t it? Are we more aware now of depression and what depression is? Or have our expectations grown even more?

I met someone recently who seemed to have all the signs of depression; feeling low, not feeling any hope for the future, feeling guilt for no reason at all and not enjoying the things that usually make her feel happy. She was unaware she was depressed and as to how it had been going on for over 6 months. Many do not know they are depressed and seem to avoid the feelings by drinking, over or under-eating, gambling, spending excessively or sometimes being very mean with their money. Depression is a useful way of telling us we need to do something about our lives. We need to make some changes. There is no need to stay in depression if you do not have too.

©2011 Yaz

1. Make your goals in a state of sobriety.  Take out pen and paper and write them down.  List them out and go through them, they have to be important to you.
2. Are they SMART goals? Are they Simple, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Timely.  They need to be all those things to make them stand the test of a year.  There is no sense in writing about becoming a major football player in the next year if you do not have the physical and mental skillset to play football and are not even on the circuit.  A New Years Solution (NYS) is not about fantasy but is about reality and something that has possibility.  For example to get fit, that is my goal.  I have been working on the last year in that and have in place schedules, times, appointments to make it even more of a reality. How will I have it in place?  What will it look like?  How will I know I have achieved it?  If its physical.  Photograph/ draw it out and state the condition it is in. Have a before image/idea kept in space and time as then a change can be more noted.  What could you reward yourself with if you achieved that goal? Imagine that reward?  Is the reward the solution itself?
3. Write it down and tell people about it.  Making it public adds credence and seriousness to your NYS.
4. Note your intentions in making such a NYS’s.  What lies behind it? What is the intention?  Our intentions and what we send out into the world is very important.
5. Write out your schedules, calendar it in.  Fit it in and stick to it.  If it falls back for a week fit it in again.  Make sure it is in your life.  Make it consciously there and on wall calendars, make appointments with personal trainers, start it up.  Highlight it in your agenda and calendars.
6. Check it fits in with the time you have allocated it.  Give yourself extra time.  Check out at the end of every week, month and months as to how you are doing?  Write out a scale, is it weight, helping with your movement, strengthening your muscles, what is the area?  How will you know you have achieved it?
7. At the end of the year and a month before the next new year (Whew, that was quick, it is nearly 2013).  Have a look at how you have done. Has there been any change?  Any improvements? Is there anything you need to add or subtract?  Is there anyone you maybe need to consult with?
8. Reward yourself for having achieved and moved towards your goal.
9. Set up a new years solution.  Adapt the present one or make it a completely new one.

Maybe I should have added another point. Make it fun. It needs to be fun and enjoyable too. Nothing is worse than a New Years Boring Solution.

©2011 Yaz

I was saddened to hear today of a suicide by a football manager named Gary Speed.  Gary Speed had the looks, the money, the life and was fit and healthy. Many are left surprised as to how he could have killed himself. Football is often called “The Beautiful Game” and I know many who love the game so much they will watch every match they can. I have many nephews who ardently follow their favourite teams, know so much about what is going on in football, scream at matches and dress up excitedly to see a match in their teams colours.

Gary Speed was 42 years of age, had two children and was married. He was doing well and had also been a successful footballer for Wales. Many of the comments being made in the press and on the news was as to how;  it was unexpected, he seemed happy, and it seemed to be impossible to have imagined the man who had everything to have ever committed suicide.

He hung himself and was found by his wife early in the morning. Many other footballers and sportsmen have also killed themselves. It is not a case in isolation. Often comments have been made that “How can you be depressed when you are on £20,000 a week?” For the person concerned even £100,000 or a million pounds a week is not enough. We do not know what is going on in the mind at the time of the suicide but we do know they are dark thoughts and seem very reasonable at the time, even though on reflection later on, are deduced as unreasonable. Often the person who wants to commit suicide is not as television portrays but can look bubbly and pretends very well; all is well. There is the disconnect between the act and how they feel until they actually do the deed.

Football and much of the Sportsworld has a very ‘macho’ image that therapy is not for them. That is sad and if Gary Speed had been able to reach out he may have found another way to navigate whatever was bothering him at the moment. He must have had felt there was no one else he could turn to nor felt could understand his real thoughts. He must have only seen one option. He may not have been able to see his own loving wife or his children as he may have been in such pain and despair.

Depression is an awful thing, it can follow us around, we can blithely hide it with alcohol and drugs but it is still there, waiting and greeting us like a black dog it is. When people do plan to commit suicide it seems logical to them, it makes them happy to organise and actually do something. The thing is that too shall pass, the depression, the sadness, they all can pass through with a different approach, there is no need to kill yourself.  I hope the Football Association  works to help the players and the managers more psychologically for life and not just to win and bring in revenue. Football is a very emotional game and this “Beautiful Game” can turn ugly too.

©2011 Yaz

What is the nearest we can find in psychotherapy with the behavior that is going on as regards the euro is what is called co-dependency. Some feel codependency is a form of inverted narcissism. It is really an unhealthy love and a very passive almost manipulative and controlling way of taking care of others. It happens in all sorts of relationships; marriage, partnerships, business, work, and especially politics. Where a person is psychologically addicted to drugs or alcohol and the other psychologically dependent on that behavior.

The ideal is to be inter-dependent. To give others freedom and ourselves to be free too. It expects the best for the other and for ourselves too. Co-dependency depends upon expecting others to be unable to care for themselves. It requires the expectancy of failure and expectancy that the other person can better them selves. When certain countries went into the euro due diligence was not done. Due diligence is often done when our expectations of the other will be equal. Due diligence seems to have been ignored. The co-dependent is often in debt and cannot make it on their own. They will always need someone to bail them out. Co-dependency relationships are really tested out when money is low. Recessions are good times to find out if there is co-dependency. The enabler cannot afford to maintain the co-dependent in times when the enabler is themselves also having problems meeting their own payments too.

The co-dependent is allowed to grow or fail if they are enabled to do so. A co-dependent requires permission giving by others. In this case Germany gave credit cards to countries that were not ready to grow. Giving money to a co-dependent is like giving heroine to a heroine addict.

How do we stop the co-dependent? You have to let them know you are willing to leave them to the elements. They are responsible and in charge of their own future. As long as the co-dependent believes you will never leave them they will push you to the Nth limit. They will keep taking. Co-dependency is an addiction. At the base of all addictions is co-dependency. It is not about substance abuse, sex, and alcohol; it really is about co-dependency. Co-dependency is an addiction and the addiction troubles not just the user but also the enabler. It is hard for the enabler to let go. The work of a political therapist is a hard one and in the same way with my work in therapy; letting go is the hardest act to do whether you are a user or enabler.

©2011 Yaz

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2011/aug/10/london-riots-youtube-victim-malaysian. A young man named Asyraf Haziq from Malaysia who had been mugged twice. The first time he had been knocked off his bicycle and had it stolen. His jaw had been broken by the punch. He then sat dazed on the pavement. In the video you can see him being brought to his feet and in a display that sinks so low, those ‘good samaritans’ hang about to mug him (his second time experience of being mugged in such a short space of time) of the contents of his back-pack.

It was his reaction that was interesting. He was not angry, nor did he feel aggrieved. His ‘explanatory style’ was far more positive. He had said after the double mugging how he was sorry for the muggers and had been surprised as to how young they were. He seemed to be genuinely sorry for the people that mugged him. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FGfZ2ommI0  A positive explanatory style has more positive outcomes for recovery in terms of mental and physical health.

Shop after the riots

I spoke to another person at a large convenience store in Ealing. The store had been vandalised and set alight. I had often seen her working at the store in the past. Her name is SuKiran and she was with a friend and sister writing out their thank-you signs on the boarded shop-front. When I asked SuKiran as to what she thought of the riots, did she feel they were targeted? She answered as to how she thought it was a one-off and they were not certainly targeted. The rioters were looking for alcohol and cigarettes and it was not personal.  SuKiran also said how supportive the community are and that they will be back. She and her sister and her friend continued working on the sign on the shop-front. There was alot of devastation to the shop and upstairs a petrol bomb had been thrown at the roof. It had caught fire and much of the top floor is now exposed and open to the elements. The pipes had burst and water damage had also added to the destruction. The Oxfam store to the left of the building had also suffered water-damage.

   

Thank you message to the community

We Will Be Back

SuKiran said they are all planning to return. Here she is with a friend and her sister. You can see them on Facebook at :  facebook@ealinggreenlocal

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Ealing-Green-Local/150392435046166

SuKiran (on the far right) and her sister and friend.

In the New York Times in the photograph opposite various reasons for the present riots were put forward. In an article in the BBC

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-14483149

Ten competing arguments on the BBC site are used to explain why the riots occurred. The reasons given have ranged from welfare dependence, social exclusion, lack of fathers, spending cuts, racism, weak policing, gangsta rap and culture, consumerism, opportunitism and technology and social networking. Are there more reasons? I heard of entitlement being a possible reason or even astrology and mercury being retrograde. Maybe more will come to your mind. The point is though, we all choose our reasons and what we choose is also based on our beliefs and perceptions we can take. Looking at things from a statistical perspective, research from the Guardian newspaper has a different perspective and showed that of around 1,000 cases going through the magistrates courts, just 8.6% of defendants have jobs or are students. This then would lead to different opinions and thoughts on the matter.

Many countries have high unemployment but they do not all have riots.  A possible one which is looked at psychologically is given some depth by statements from non-psychologists; are the former Prime Minister Tony Blair and Karyn McCluskey who is the head of intelligence analysis. Blair said, ” The truth is that many of these people are from families that are profoundly dysfunctional, operating on completely different terms from the rest of society, either middle class or poor. This is a phenomenon of the late 20th Century. You find it in virtually every developed nation.”  Karyn McClusky as head of intelligence and analysis, works at reducing gang crime in Glasgow (Times, Saturday August 20th page16) . Gang behaviour is a factor which is thought to be important in the riots which occurred recently. She says the roots of the riots lie in the “chaotic homes” in areas where gang culture is rife.

Another possibility is something in psychology known as attachment theory and how we relate to those around us as we grow up profoundly affects how we relate to the outside world when we are older. Behaviour such as rioting would be put as being in the disorganised and ambivalent attachment styles. These are the behaviours which a child sees in their environment and then also extrapolates outwards when they are grown-up.  People from these backgrounds, rich or poor, show an inability to form long-term and long-lasting relationships. They tend to move from partner to partner. They also may be unable to keep a job going on for long and have a track record of moving around. To stop such behaviour requires great change in the patterns. It is possible to change but the only person who can change and adapt it is the person with the pattern. Usually this happens when they reach rock-bottom or realise the effect it has on others. Many do not and continue with their behaviours and are unaware of the effect they have on those around them.

What is interesting is as to how people from ‘disorganised’ and ‘ambivalent’ attachment styles actually do like boundaries and set routines but seem to display aggression against it. This expression of aggression is usually to test the boundaries of the person in authority. Often they test the authority they have learnt to disrespect (their parents or caretakers originally) and anyone around them. It takes awhile for them to learn to trust and work within any set system. Rebellion seems to be the most attractive option to the ‘disorganised’ or the ‘ambivalent’ yet, the rebellion and anger within leads to broken relationships, difficulties maintaining employment and or some basic levels of self-care. This in itself perpetuates the cycle. Off course in a situation of groups where group dynamics affects individuals, any one of us, if there, could easily have got involved and simply walked through a store. Its abit like being a riot tourist. The unbelievability of watching something live and not on TV may propel us, any one of us, to also walk into the scene of a crime.

In the end I am not sure how the government of the day will approach this but this involves looking at things from many angles. Karyn McClusky, who was discussed above has also worked with social services and other departments to cut down on gang crime in Glasgow, people like her and others with experience regardless of their political leanings need to be brought in.

©2011  Yaz

Amy Winehouse

I read the sad news about Amy Winehouse’s death this week. I have felt the pain of working with people who live as addicts and those who love them too.

It is so unfortunate and in the life of someone with an addiction there is always the positive going on. The belief that things will be allright. Often permission giving messages are going on. Thoughts such as “I will be OK”, “Just this one time”, “I’ll stop tomorrow”, “I am in control of it and not it in control of me”, “It helps me create”. These messages and more keep going on. Then there are those who are around them who also unwittingly enable the addiction to continue. Addicts are like children who really want to have their next fix. The brain has surrendered to the substance.

The worst thing is those around them who also think that the addict will be OK. It really is not them. In the case of Amy Winehouse people are often willing to overlook the addiction because of her music and her own innate talent. It is often the false beliefs of others that genius needs an addiction. There are many genius’s who are not addicts and are quietly working away at their own skills and talents. A talented individual does not have to have an addiction. It was unfortunate she was unable to direct her energies in a more helpful way. I have often found addicts tend to not be able to be able to let themselves go and believe in a power higher then themselves. The AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and NA (Narcotics Anonymous) are good organisations that help individuals to break that chain. It does require letting go of the belief in our own power and trusting it more to the universe. It requires acknowledgement of our very own fragility and the temporary nature of our short time here on earth.

As regards Rehab. If you can afford it I advise going to a Rehab place in South Africa called Crescent Clinic or Kenilworth. I have known a few people who have gone and succeeded. Don’t go though if you don’t really mean to kick the addiction. Addicts often say one thing but mean another. This is no time to waste even more money, time and the hopes of the ones around you, who love you. I don’t have much faith in Rehab when security is too open and free. In South Africa the Addict cannot easily sneak off to purchase their substance of choice. Also Rehab in a foreign country does not offer familiarity of culture which can so easily be worked within. The addict is used to being persuasive and easily manipulates others around him or her; I have found these clinics are not easily swayed. Real Rehab will also look into the issues that are driving the addiction. The addiction is the symptom, often what lies behind the addiction are other areas that open the doors to a life you could walk through and live. There are three levels of treatment; the primary, secondary and tertiary. Each involves going to a different place and level depending upon the addicts development and acceptance. Primary starts the addict again as a child who cannot be trusted and tertiary enables the addict to move forward as an adult. They live with others and learn to work their daily routines as an adult. Addiction is an attractive state when within it. It is a quick fix and there is something about the secretiveness of it. Success though would be believing that there is something better, a life better then that with the addiction. Many addicts believe they are free but the real truth is their addiction keeps them prisoner. I hope a Rehab place is established in Amy Winehouse’s name but I hope it is strict like those I know in South Africa…..

©2011  Yaz

What I think is significant was how Peter Falk ignored standard convention and choose to remain an actor even though he was told he would not amount to anything as an actor, as he only had one eye. He had lost his eye when he was three years old because it was cancerous. Some people would have spent their time blaming their disability. Using their disability to avoid living as full a life as they could. Peter Falk though ignored and even used it to act in the Pirates of Penzance. The one eyed actor was able to make in-roads into the acting profession.

There are others with disabilities who are also able to successfully work as actors too. Dyslexia, for example is a difficult disability for an actor to have. Actors without the disability have to spend a great deal of time learning their lines by heart and ‘off the book’. Those with the disability have a harder time because the usual traditional methods of learning their lines are not applicable. What about Michael J Fox and Parkinsons? He is still acting at times too. What is interesting is as to how those with a disability seem to take their acting to a higher level. So it was with Peter Falk. What impresses me about him is how he kept trying to work through things even until he was in his eighties. He had had a tumultuous relationship with his wife but still kept trying to work it out. In the end, if there is love and perseverance it can be done.

R.I.P. Peter Falk.

©2011  Yaz