Remember the last time there was a financial crisis? Well there have been many in the last few decades. The Asian crisis in 1998, There was 2007 then 2008. There was Lehman Brothers, Northern rock and the queues around the block to withdraw money from a feared collapse of one bank and then many others. Some thought we were hours from doom. If you were to visit Greece a few years ago you would have felt money was all around you, now it seems to have seeped away.

Often when we are in a crisis, we forget that we have managed to survive at other points in our lives. At present there is the fear of the contagion of the Greek crisis in Europe and the world. The….What if? What if? Questions seem to go on in the newspapers and the financial markets. What if questions are anxiety filled. So much is driven by emotions, even the very markets which are meant to be about logic seems to be foaming at the mouth with fear at the moment. At these times it is best to stay still, stay tight and not make any rash decisions.

Brokers make money whether you buy or sell. The market makes money regardless. Whenever there is a time of difficulty stress brings within us a response of fight, flight or freeze. I always advise clients to use the ‘freeze’ of the stress response at first, until their mind can engage more logically. This advice would apply not only with Greece and what is going on now but would apply in other areas of out lives. At the moment it is very easy to catastrophise and imagine the worst thing (whatever that may be to each individual). Catastrophisation is easy when many others are moving along like emotional lemmings near the edge of a cliff. Meanwhile, the skill is to engage our minds and bodies in alternative activities to help us relax and be able to make a more calm and reasoned decision. We will still have to make a decision – as everyone else has to do so. Long-term success is about how we deal with whatever is put in front of us. It is about due diligence, follow through, perseverance and keeping our heads above water until our bodies are able to walk onto land. Has the Greek Wedding turned into a Funeral? We really do not know…but it is too early to dress in black when the casket is empty.

©2012 Yaz

Getting close without getting lost while in a committed relationship?

Ever wonder how to know if you are being intrusive? It is much easier to get when someone else is being intrusive. Sometimes that can be confusing as well.

When we are in a committed relationship our confusion with boundaries becomes most evident. It can be quite confusing. Is it okay if I tell my partner what I think? Will I be invading their space? How come I get upset when my partner tells me what he/she thinks? If I want something done a certain way am I invading my partners boundaries. These questions can go on and on. Understanding our own boundaries is quite complex and worth the effort.

I have noticed that all working relationships have some degree of haze surrounding the boundaries of the persons within it. Relationships are alive and the people in them often overlap in order to achieve comfortable levels of intimacy. Relationships take on a life of their own separate and apart from the I or the you.

The question many of us ask, is how can I tell if I am getting lost within the life of my relationship? And yet some of us do keep our sense of self and do not get lost in the forest of our relationship. While others forget to leave breadcrumbs when they go into a relationship and so they get lost.

What prevents us from maintaining our identity in a relationship? Perhaps we did not have a clear sense of self when we went into a relationship and so the relationship became whom we are. It is possible to loose your sense of self-while in relationship if you are trying to accommodate the other person.

It may be time for you to look for your I.

In all relationships there is some melding of identity. Understanding and knowing your own boundaries will allow you to know yourself and who your partner is with clarity.

©2012 Mara in Yaz Blog.

Lent lasts for fourty days. It is based on the time Jesus spent fourty days and fourty nights in the desert. 40 days and 40 nights. The number fourty seems to have significance in many areas. The flood which Noah built his ark for was for fourty days, Jonah gave the people of Nivenah fourty days to repent. Then this idea of fasting or avoiding the thing you love to eat developed. It is odd; it is about giving up something and not taking up something. Someone I know is giving up takeaways for Lent, another chocolate and crisps. Chocolate seems a common one.

For the last few weeks I have not eaten chocolate. Chocolate is something I do love and have eaten almost everyday of my life. No doubt I was even crunching it in my mothers womb. These past few weeks have made me think though. I have missed it but not as much as I thought I would. It has become a matter of habit now and if I see something with chocolate on it (biscuits, cake and even cappuccino) I then push it aside. Before that I would always go towards the chocolate. Chocolate galore it was, chocolate heaven. This is different. Odd, it was not as difficult as I thought it would be. Why is it some things can be so easily given up and others seem to be so difficult to do so? Was it the temporary nature? Maybe chocolate was not as important as I had thought? Or maybe the time was right to give it up? Or, maybe because I had said I would do it and many other people I know are still doing it? Has that maintained some pressure on me to continue? I still have over a week to go. Will I falter in the last few days?

This giving up and being without is such an interesting concept. Baumeister (2011) in his book on Willpower writes as to how willpower cannot be maintained endlessly. There is a point when we weaken, willpower wanes and difficulty raises it ugly head and this is when depletion occurs. Self-regulation is an important part in our own success. To be successful in something we need self-regulation. It is not an easy thing to self-regulate and maintain success. There is always a tipping point in continuing the hoped for activity. We all have that point in something and the depletion can occur. The point is to choose what counts for you. It is a muscle that requires practice and constant creative input.

Your happiness does mean (as in Cowboy language) having to have that showdown at dawn at the ‘high corral’, that last meeting with your enemy and to talk it through with them. Otherwise this ‘enemy’ will always be popping up and giving you nasty surprises. Understanding your past is one of the ways of making friends with that ‘other’ you. Gosh we all have the enemy at times. The enemy within can be much more frightening than the enemy outside. The enemy that insists you stay in an unhappy relationship, that insists you pursue some imaginary life, the enemy that weaves a web of fantasy as to your strengths and talents. This is a frightening enemy that does not allow your real friend to come out. The highly critical voice needs to be acknowledged and not silenced with drugs. It always returns. Make friends with your inner-devil. Time to play with him or her…..

©2012 Yaz

It is impossible not to have one if we are striving and trying to reach and stretch ourselves. His was an exceptionally large loss. Billions of pounds which sloshed around away from the banks and disappeared into ether. The rest of us can suffer loss too. We can fail exams, fail at a marriage, be caught with our hand in the cookie-jar, be the subject of a drug bust, have an affair and be found out, be caught in an indecent act in a public toilet, or even more; we can have one or all of the above published in the public domain. The public domain changes the private matter into a public feast. All this can go on. It happens at some level to all of us. What really counts though, is what we do with it. Do we continue as before? Continue making broken promises? Not changing or do we then use that failure to change and launch ourselves. Many keep repeating the same patterns. Not changing anything. I wonder what Mr Fred Goodwin will do now. I have no doubt he will rise again like a Phoenix. He has a pension of slightly over £6000 a week. His physical body will certainly survive. What would you do if you had that to help you in your next stage of life? What can we do now? What can you or I do to change our own shortcomings? I suggest a spiritual edge to any change. When change is carried out that comes from the heart and not the head or wallet, it is the best change for ourselves and for others.

©2012 Yaz

We live in the 21^st century. There is more food than we need in the western world. Obesity is on the rise. There are still butter and sugar mountains in the European Union. Food is not the issue it once was. Many more live in homes than are homeless. More are working than are not working. Women do not have to necessarily stay within the strict rules of social behaviour. They can be married, live with someone or live alone. Women are more highly educated than they were at the start of the last century. I remember 30 years ago being told, it was not healthy nor necessary to educate girls.Children now go to school for longer than they used to in the early 20^th century. More go to university now than ever did. Yet, depression rates seem to have risen. It makes you wonder doesn’t it? Are we more aware now of depression and what depression is? Or have our expectations grown even more?

I met someone recently who seemed to have all the signs of depression; feeling low, not feeling any hope for the future, feeling guilt for no reason at all and not enjoying the things that usually make her feel happy. She was unaware she was depressed and as to how it had been going on for over 6 months. Many do not know they are depressed and seem to avoid the feelings by drinking, over or under-eating, gambling, spending excessively or sometimes being very mean with their money. Depression is a useful way of telling us we need to do something about our lives. We need to make some changes. There is no need to stay in depression if you do not have too.

©2011 Yaz

1. Make your goals in a state of sobriety.  Take out pen and paper and write them down.  List them out and go through them, they have to be important to you.
2. Are they SMART goals? Are they Simple, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Timely.  They need to be all those things to make them stand the test of a year.  There is no sense in writing about becoming a major football player in the next year if you do not have the physical and mental skillset to play football and are not even on the circuit.  A New Years Solution (NYS) is not about fantasy but is about reality and something that has possibility.  For example to get fit, that is my goal.  I have been working on the last year in that and have in place schedules, times, appointments to make it even more of a reality. How will I have it in place?  What will it look like?  How will I know I have achieved it?  If its physical.  Photograph/ draw it out and state the condition it is in. Have a before image/idea kept in space and time as then a change can be more noted.  What could you reward yourself with if you achieved that goal? Imagine that reward?  Is the reward the solution itself?
3. Write it down and tell people about it.  Making it public adds credence and seriousness to your NYS.
4. Note your intentions in making such a NYS’s.  What lies behind it? What is the intention?  Our intentions and what we send out into the world is very important.
5. Write out your schedules, calendar it in.  Fit it in and stick to it.  If it falls back for a week fit it in again.  Make sure it is in your life.  Make it consciously there and on wall calendars, make appointments with personal trainers, start it up.  Highlight it in your agenda and calendars.
6. Check it fits in with the time you have allocated it.  Give yourself extra time.  Check out at the end of every week, month and months as to how you are doing?  Write out a scale, is it weight, helping with your movement, strengthening your muscles, what is the area?  How will you know you have achieved it?
7. At the end of the year and a month before the next new year (Whew, that was quick, it is nearly 2013).  Have a look at how you have done. Has there been any change?  Any improvements? Is there anything you need to add or subtract?  Is there anyone you maybe need to consult with?
8. Reward yourself for having achieved and moved towards your goal.
9. Set up a new years solution.  Adapt the present one or make it a completely new one.

Maybe I should have added another point. Make it fun. It needs to be fun and enjoyable too. Nothing is worse than a New Years Boring Solution.

©2011 Yaz

I was saddened to hear today of a suicide by a football manager named Gary Speed.  Gary Speed had the looks, the money, the life and was fit and healthy. Many are left surprised as to how he could have killed himself. Football is often called “The Beautiful Game” and I know many who love the game so much they will watch every match they can. I have many nephews who ardently follow their favourite teams, know so much about what is going on in football, scream at matches and dress up excitedly to see a match in their teams colours.

Gary Speed was 42 years of age, had two children and was married. He was doing well and had also been a successful footballer for Wales. Many of the comments being made in the press and on the news was as to how;  it was unexpected, he seemed happy, and it seemed to be impossible to have imagined the man who had everything to have ever committed suicide.

He hung himself and was found by his wife early in the morning. Many other footballers and sportsmen have also killed themselves. It is not a case in isolation. Often comments have been made that “How can you be depressed when you are on £20,000 a week?” For the person concerned even £100,000 or a million pounds a week is not enough. We do not know what is going on in the mind at the time of the suicide but we do know they are dark thoughts and seem very reasonable at the time, even though on reflection later on, are deduced as unreasonable. Often the person who wants to commit suicide is not as television portrays but can look bubbly and pretends very well; all is well. There is the disconnect between the act and how they feel until they actually do the deed.

Football and much of the Sportsworld has a very ‘macho’ image that therapy is not for them. That is sad and if Gary Speed had been able to reach out he may have found another way to navigate whatever was bothering him at the moment. He must have had felt there was no one else he could turn to nor felt could understand his real thoughts. He must have only seen one option. He may not have been able to see his own loving wife or his children as he may have been in such pain and despair.

Depression is an awful thing, it can follow us around, we can blithely hide it with alcohol and drugs but it is still there, waiting and greeting us like a black dog it is. When people do plan to commit suicide it seems logical to them, it makes them happy to organise and actually do something. The thing is that too shall pass, the depression, the sadness, they all can pass through with a different approach, there is no need to kill yourself.  I hope the Football Association  works to help the players and the managers more psychologically for life and not just to win and bring in revenue. Football is a very emotional game and this “Beautiful Game” can turn ugly too.

©2011 Yaz

What is the nearest we can find in psychotherapy with the behavior that is going on as regards the euro is what is called co-dependency. Some feel codependency is a form of inverted narcissism. It is really an unhealthy love and a very passive almost manipulative and controlling way of taking care of others. It happens in all sorts of relationships; marriage, partnerships, business, work, and especially politics. Where a person is psychologically addicted to drugs or alcohol and the other psychologically dependent on that behavior.

The ideal is to be inter-dependent. To give others freedom and ourselves to be free too. It expects the best for the other and for ourselves too. Co-dependency depends upon expecting others to be unable to care for themselves. It requires the expectancy of failure and expectancy that the other person can better them selves. When certain countries went into the euro due diligence was not done. Due diligence is often done when our expectations of the other will be equal. Due diligence seems to have been ignored. The co-dependent is often in debt and cannot make it on their own. They will always need someone to bail them out. Co-dependency relationships are really tested out when money is low. Recessions are good times to find out if there is co-dependency. The enabler cannot afford to maintain the co-dependent in times when the enabler is themselves also having problems meeting their own payments too.

The co-dependent is allowed to grow or fail if they are enabled to do so. A co-dependent requires permission giving by others. In this case Germany gave credit cards to countries that were not ready to grow. Giving money to a co-dependent is like giving heroine to a heroine addict.

How do we stop the co-dependent? You have to let them know you are willing to leave them to the elements. They are responsible and in charge of their own future. As long as the co-dependent believes you will never leave them they will push you to the Nth limit. They will keep taking. Co-dependency is an addiction. At the base of all addictions is co-dependency. It is not about substance abuse, sex, and alcohol; it really is about co-dependency. Co-dependency is an addiction and the addiction troubles not just the user but also the enabler. It is hard for the enabler to let go. The work of a political therapist is a hard one and in the same way with my work in therapy; letting go is the hardest act to do whether you are a user or enabler.

©2011 Yaz

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2011/aug/10/london-riots-youtube-victim-malaysian. A young man named Asyraf Haziq from Malaysia who had been mugged twice. The first time he had been knocked off his bicycle and had it stolen. His jaw had been broken by the punch. He then sat dazed on the pavement. In the video you can see him being brought to his feet and in a display that sinks so low, those ‘good samaritans’ hang about to mug him (his second time experience of being mugged in such a short space of time) of the contents of his back-pack.

It was his reaction that was interesting. He was not angry, nor did he feel aggrieved. His ‘explanatory style’ was far more positive. He had said after the double mugging how he was sorry for the muggers and had been surprised as to how young they were. He seemed to be genuinely sorry for the people that mugged him. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FGfZ2ommI0  A positive explanatory style has more positive outcomes for recovery in terms of mental and physical health.

Shop after the riots

I spoke to another person at a large convenience store in Ealing. The store had been vandalised and set alight. I had often seen her working at the store in the past. Her name is SuKiran and she was with a friend and sister writing out their thank-you signs on the boarded shop-front. When I asked SuKiran as to what she thought of the riots, did she feel they were targeted? She answered as to how she thought it was a one-off and they were not certainly targeted. The rioters were looking for alcohol and cigarettes and it was not personal.  SuKiran also said how supportive the community are and that they will be back. She and her sister and her friend continued working on the sign on the shop-front. There was alot of devastation to the shop and upstairs a petrol bomb had been thrown at the roof. It had caught fire and much of the top floor is now exposed and open to the elements. The pipes had burst and water damage had also added to the destruction. The Oxfam store to the left of the building had also suffered water-damage.

   

Thank you message to the community

We Will Be Back

SuKiran said they are all planning to return. Here she is with a friend and her sister. You can see them on Facebook at :  facebook@ealinggreenlocal

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Ealing-Green-Local/150392435046166

SuKiran (on the far right) and her sister and friend.