Category Archives: Addiction Patterns

The Royal Baby and what it may Trigger

George The Royal Baby

George The Royal Baby

So we now have a new Royal baby. This usually is a situation which brings up such happy feelings for many people. Many wish the best for this baby and their family. For some though this is not a happy event. It is a reminder of feelings of abuse and neglect. It is a trigger. It can bring on depression and anxiety. How does a seemingly innocent little baby bring up those feelings?

Firstly let me go into what abuse is? Something like 1 out of 4 people have been abused. If you are in a room full of people, the statistics are 1 out of 4 have been abused. If you are in a family where there is abuse generally then – many of them have been abused. They will certainly be 2 out of 4 or 4 out of 4. Abuse is not just sexual, it is physical, mental and emotional. Many who are in abusive families and relationships do not recognise the signs and patterns of abuse. To them it is normal, and if normal, it cannot be anything but a normal family relationship. – ergo it is not abusive – but reality is that it is. Those who have not been abused can seem to those who have been abused; like aliens from another planet. Many who have been abused learn to walk and navigate in the world of the 3 out of the 4 unabused people. It is just navigating and is not really living a full and complete life…..

Signs of possibly being abused – are avoidance and not getting on in the world. Not being able to maintain long-term healthy relationships, note I write ‘healthy’. Long-term ill health. Addictions – drink, drugs, co-dependency. Repeating patterns of abuse onto future generations.

This is where the Royal baby trigger is about. It is here when such abuse festers and stays on. Without training an abused mother often repeats the patterns. The mother marries an abusive husband, is possibly directly abusive themselves or is avoidant and neglectful. Some children who have grown up in such households have told me – they never wanted to repeat the pattern only to find themselves having repeat it. It is very hard – not to repeat a pattern. it is inbuilt for us to do so.

I have lived near abusive families. They shout and scream at each other, some hit, some shout words which are emotionally set up to bring about maximum pain. Then when these families go out into the street, they are the height of decorum and good behaviour. I remember when I was growing up, I lived near someone whose father often beat up his wife. You would hear the screams for miles around. (Decades ago it was not illegal to hit your wife -or husband. Now it is so, not that that makes much difference. So many still do not report it). Then his son who I knew and played Cowboys and Indians, Astronauts, climbing tree houses with; grew up and then also hit women too. The pattern thus repeats itself. I have met many women who say they will never have children because they never want to repeat their childhood. Not having a child does not stop the abuse from repeating. Not having a child may be the best thing. What many do not realise is that it is possible to change such behavior but it does take hard work to break a pattern. It starts with awareness. It starts with therapy. It requires more then just crossing your fingers to stop many lifetimes of abuse……..

©2013 Yasmin

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Filed under Abuse, Addiction Patterns, Depression Patterns, Patterns of Depression, Relationship Patterns

Badminton in the Olympics and on Losing on Purpose

I thought the badminton teams being disqualified for intentionally losing their matches was interesting. The players involved were China’s world champions Wang Xiaoli and Yu Yang, Indonesia’s Greysia Polii and Meiliana Jauhari and two South Korean pairs – Jung Kyung-eun and Kim Ha-na, and Ha Jung-eun and Kim Min-jung.

If you watch the matches on video you will see it is as though they have never played badminton before. They keep serving into the net and their rallies (if any) are short.

http://www.cbssports.com/olympics/blog/eye-on-olympics/19701953/video-badminton-players-throw-match-disqualified-from-olympics

The crowd are booing and telling them to go off. Anyone who has gone to the Olympics in London knows tickets are expensive, it takes a lot of effort to obtain a ticket, then to travel and make your way there. I know I would have been very irritated and upset to watch a match I could have myself played far better at.

But why lose a match on purpose? Here there was a benefit in losing to the other team. All had qualified but the winner would then play China which was the stronger team. This was part of a strategy in the round-robins which had been newly set up and the teams were trying not to play China and were working to be relegated to a match with a less superior opponent in the semi-final. Continue reading

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Filed under Abuse, Addiction Patterns, Depression, Thinking Patterns

Giving up chocolate for Lent; Easter, Baumeister and Willpower

Easter EggsEaster is coming and the Easter eggs are in the stores, lines and lines of them. It is a very British tradition. Around 80 million eggs are eaten in the UK each year. There are an estimated 63 million people in the UK and that means some people are eating more than one egg. Even the Queen on her jubilee year may be tucking into a few of them.

Lent lasts for fourty days. It is based on the time Jesus spent fourty days and fourty nights in the desert. 40 days and 40 nights. The number fourty seems to have significance in many areas. The flood which Noah built his ark for was for fourty days, Jonah gave the people of Nivenah fourty days to repent. Then this idea of fasting or avoiding the thing you love to eat developed. It is odd; it is about giving up something and not taking up something. Someone I know is giving up takeaways for Lent, another chocolate and crisps. Chocolate seems a common one.

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“The biggest devil is me. I’m either my best friend or my worst enemy,” Whitney had said. We all need to make friends with our inner-devil.

I was so sad to hear of Whitney Houston’s demise. I would love to see people who are talented but are also addicted to drugs, living a long and productive life, but that rarely is the case.  It would be nice to beat the odds.  What was noticeable was Whitney having said that she is “the biggest devil is me, I am either my best friend or my own worst enemy”.  There are rumours that her former marriage had rumblings of domestic abuse. Her past seems to suggest the pain she was trying to run away from. If you have pain,  it is so important to try and face your own pain.  Many people who take drugs and/or who are involving their time in unhealthy behaviours are doing just that, masking their pain, allaying their ‘enemy’. Continue reading

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Amy Winehouse and Why Rehab needs to be Really Really Tough

Amy Winehouse

I read the sad news about Amy Winehouse’s death this week. I have felt the pain of working with people who live as addicts and those who love them too.

It is so unfortunate and in the life of someone with an addiction there is always the positive going on. The belief that things will be allright. Often permission giving messages are going on. Thoughts such as “I will be OK”, “Just this one time”, “I’ll stop tomorrow”, “I am in control of it and not it in control of me”, “It helps me create”. These messages and more keep going on. Then there are those who are around them who also unwittingly enable the addiction to continue. Addicts are like children who really want to have their next fix. The brain has surrendered to the substance. Continue reading

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Dominique-Strauss Kahn, The IMF ; Does Sex Addiction come into it?

It damages and affects more then we realiseDominique Strauss-Kahn was the managing director of the IMF (International Monetary Fund) and was reputed to have attacked a chambermaid at the Sofitel Hotel in New York. He was due to return to Europe to work on the monetary problems in the European Union but was instead arrested whilst waiting for the plane to take off. I am not sure what the trial will bring up but what has not been mentioned is that Dominique Strauss-Kahn (DSK) could possibly be a sex-addict. The need to have sex with so many people and in different situations is one of the signs. It has not been a recent habit and he has a history of  being referred to as a ‘great seducer’. Continue reading

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Filed under Addiction, Addiction Patterns, Co-dependency, News, Politics, Psychology

Addictions and Lies – an addict cannot even trust themselves

Addictions are pernicious and do take over the lives of addicts. If someone you know or love is an addict. Beware. Tread carefully. It is easy to forget in the laughter. The sweet nature of who they really are is down there somewhere but the addiction hangs around like an overstaying guest. If the addict is you, really do see to it. The first step is always to become aware of it and and how it is affecting yours and others lives; then taking the steps to make it more and more conscious. If it is someone you love, a friend, relative, your partner, your child. It takes a lot out of you. From all the many people I have met, that tends to be harder then if the addict is yourself. We can sometimes get used and addicted to the addict remaining an addict. An addict is always dependent.  Never free. The addiction takes a lot of time out of their lives, finding the cash, the search for the object, the secrecy and hiding, the relationship with others who maintain it; all adds to a way of behaviour which keeps it oscillating. Continue reading

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Filed under Abuse, Addiction, Addiction Patterns, Co-dependency, Pathology