Category Archives: Relationship Patterns

Brandgelina, separation, divorce and forming new patterns.

couplesBrad Pitt and Angelina Jolie may be getting a divorce. I am sad about that. The dream couple and family. I think that is sad.

I often talk about warning signs with my clients.

In show-business, it often does not pay to make films together especially if the movie they are in is about a relationship. No matter how far apart a relationship may be from their own, it is inevitable for their own relationship to seep into a film and vice versa. Relationships that lasted a long time in the industry did so when they were not in the same business.

Children: No matter how much money a person has – time is at a premium and children will take time away from the couple. If both have busy careers, it is best to have fewer children.

Their parent’s history: Did their parents have a happy marriage? Did they ever divorce?

What is their relationship with their parents now? How are they with their parents? With others?

What is their history? Did they have a happy childhood? How did they spend their time?

People often bring their own past with them into their intimate relationships. If it was bad, when stressed this will come out and haunt them even more unless they have done some work to look into it.

At the first level, (once we have grown up and left home) we have a relationship with ourselves. At the second level we have a relationship with our significant other. How we are with ourselves, we also are with others.

When in love and or lust, when we meet someone we like, the chemicals overflow and our brains and minds just drown in it. We are unable to think clearly. It is at this time we usually ignore the warning signs. In time reality can set in, and the person we think was right at first, may not be right. Some can tell if a person is right for them on first meeting them. But usually, we need some time to find this out.

In my work with clients, I help them figure out the relationship they have with themselves, then to next work out their relationships with others. From then on, we look to make new patterns. This will take time. It has taken us a life-time to make the patterns that we use now. In a much shorter time, we can change them and set new ones.

We are complicated as individuals and as a couple we become something even more complicated. Before getting into a relationship – start to notice the warning signs. Don’t ignore them……

I am still sad though….and wish warning signs did not exist….

©2016 Yasmin

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Filed under Celebrities, Patterns, Relationship, Relationship Patterns, Thinking Patterns

Christmas and Domestic Abuse

Christmas and Domestic Abuse.

treeChristmas is often a time for the family to get together, a time of cheer and joy. What happens though if the family is an abusive one? One where domestic abuse occurs. Often such a season is one where there are high levels of stress. Buying a gift in such families is one where there is a lot of resentment. If the gift is not liked and the person is abusive, sarcastic comments may ensue. The sit down dinner can be one of intense stress. A meal that is not ‘perfectly’ done can find itself thrown against the wall. Plates shattered and on the floor. Meal times can be one of pure home and domestic terrorism. In the UK a new domestic abuse law has been announced – that of ‘coercive and controlling behaviour’. You don’t have to suffer physical pain to experience domestic abuse, it can also be psychological.

Christmas dinner can be the worse of all meals. Then there is the added financial stress that adds even more to the domestic terrorism that can go on within a household. People needing to walk around on eggshells for fear of ‘provoking’ an outburst by even the most mildest of comments or ‘looks’. Often those who grow up in domestic abuse also continue to marry and partner with future domestic abusers. The lessons start now. Look at where you are. Who you are with? Where do you want to go? Do you have an escape plan? How is money? Is there someone you can discuss this with? Therapy to stop this constant re-enactment? How do we break free of such abuse?

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Filed under Abuse, Anxiety, Depression, Patterns of Depression, Relationship Patterns

The secret to a long and happy marriage

FlowersI have been watching with interest a Wedding of a relative recently. There is so much that goes into a wedding. They have planners at the hotel, then you have to plan things alongside them and the florists, the church, the registry, the reception, the dinner, the band and music. Cakes are especially purchased. In the same way cup cakes were branded by Lola’s, wedding cakes are also branded. So and so used this person to make their cake. It is not a simple unbranded thing – a cake.

Then there is the location, is it going to be in a Church? an Abbey? or a registry wedding?. Choice of hats; I was told hats are often worn. I went looking for hats and found a very scant selection at Marks and Spencer, Debenhams, Fenwicks and John Lewis up at Oxford Street. Hats used to have nearly a whole area of a  store assigned to them. Then there is even insurance for a cancelled wedding. There are so many programmes on TV about weddings. I remember weddings being much simpler and less complicated. Continue reading

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Filed under Health, Money, Relationship, Relationship Patterns

The Royal Baby and what it may Trigger

George The Royal Baby

George The Royal Baby

So we now have a new Royal baby. This usually is a situation which brings up such happy feelings for many people. Many wish the best for this baby and their family. For some though this is not a happy event. It is a reminder of feelings of abuse and neglect. It is a trigger. It can bring on depression and anxiety. How does a seemingly innocent little baby bring up those feelings?

Firstly let me go into what abuse is? Something like 1 out of 4 people have been abused. If you are in a room full of people, the statistics are 1 out of 4 have been abused. If you are in a family where there is abuse generally then – many of them have been abused. They will certainly be 2 out of 4 or 4 out of 4. Abuse is not just sexual, it is physical, mental and emotional. Many who are in abusive families and relationships do not recognise the signs and patterns of abuse. To them it is normal, and if normal, it cannot be anything but a normal family relationship. – ergo it is not abusive – but reality is that it is. Those who have not been abused can seem to those who have been abused; like aliens from another planet. Many who have been abused learn to walk and navigate in the world of the 3 out of the 4 unabused people. It is just navigating and is not really living a full and complete life…..

Signs of possibly being abused – are avoidance and not getting on in the world. Not being able to maintain long-term healthy relationships, note I write ‘healthy’. Long-term ill health. Addictions – drink, drugs, co-dependency. Repeating patterns of abuse onto future generations.

This is where the Royal baby trigger is about. It is here when such abuse festers and stays on. Without training an abused mother often repeats the patterns. The mother marries an abusive husband, is possibly directly abusive themselves or is avoidant and neglectful. Some children who have grown up in such households have told me – they never wanted to repeat the pattern only to find themselves having repeat it. It is very hard – not to repeat a pattern. it is inbuilt for us to do so.

I have lived near abusive families. They shout and scream at each other, some hit, some shout words which are emotionally set up to bring about maximum pain. Then when these families go out into the street, they are the height of decorum and good behaviour. I remember when I was growing up, I lived near someone whose father often beat up his wife. You would hear the screams for miles around. (Decades ago it was not illegal to hit your wife -or husband. Now it is so, not that that makes much difference. So many still do not report it). Then his son who I knew and played Cowboys and Indians, Astronauts, climbing tree houses with; grew up and then also hit women too. The pattern thus repeats itself. I have met many women who say they will never have children because they never want to repeat their childhood. Not having a child does not stop the abuse from repeating. Not having a child may be the best thing. What many do not realise is that it is possible to change such behavior but it does take hard work to break a pattern. It starts with awareness. It starts with therapy. It requires more then just crossing your fingers to stop many lifetimes of abuse……..

©2013 Yasmin

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Filed under Abuse, Addiction Patterns, Depression Patterns, Patterns of Depression, Relationship Patterns

Cruise and Holmes impending divorce news and How to Have a Happy Marriage

I was so sad to hear today of Tom Cruise’s and Katie Holmes’s impending divorce. Someone I know was working at a recent film premier of his in London and said how he spent hours talking and taking pictures with his fans. She said he seemed to really care for people and was very professional. Their divorce though made me think a little.

I am always sad when people divorce because I believe in doing as much as possible by planning ahead – even before the marriage. If you have been divorced before or never married then plan well ahead and read on….if you have been divorced before…learn to forgive yourself. If you are married to someone you feel is not right for you…also forgive yourself. Just being married does not mean all is well. Learning lessons is always difficult when we do not forgive ourselves. It is always easy to make errors. Continue reading

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Filed under Psychology, Relationship, Relationship Patterns

‘Do the Moi’ and our relationship with ourselves

I just love relationships. They are so complicated yet so simple. It is never boring and will never get monotonous. Why do we so often make things more complicated than they really need to be? One of the most important things we can do is to be direct and open with our partner. Yet, how many people can say that they are direct with their partner let alone themselves? Can anyone be direct with another if they do not know the self?  Ourself, yourself,oneself; So many selves – wise people have said ‘know thyself’ but never have directed us as to how to be direct with ourselves. Continue reading

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Filed under Co-dependency, Psychology, Relationship Patterns