Category Archives: Thinking Patterns

September 20, 2016 · 10:13 am

Brandgelina, separation, divorce and forming new patterns.

couplesBrad Pitt and Angelina Jolie may be getting a divorce. I am sad about that. The dream couple and family. I think that is sad.

I often talk about warning signs with my clients.

In show-business, it often does not pay to make films together especially if the movie they are in is about a relationship. No matter how far apart a relationship may be from their own, it is inevitable for their own relationship to seep into a film and vice versa. Relationships that lasted a long time in the industry did so when they were not in the same business.

Children: No matter how much money a person has – time is at a premium and children will take time away from the couple. If both have busy careers, it is best to have fewer children.

Their parent’s history: Did their parents have a happy marriage? Did they ever divorce?

What is their relationship with their parents now? How are they with their parents? With others?

What is their history? Did they have a happy childhood? How did they spend their time?

People often bring their own past with them into their intimate relationships. If it was bad, when stressed this will come out and haunt them even more unless they have done some work to look into it.

At the first level, (once we have grown up and left home) we have a relationship with ourselves. At the second level we have a relationship with our significant other. How we are with ourselves, we also are with others.

When in love and or lust, when we meet someone we like, the chemicals overflow and our brains and minds just drown in it. We are unable to think clearly. It is at this time we usually ignore the warning signs. In time reality can set in, and the person we think was right at first, may not be right. Some can tell if a person is right for them on first meeting them. But usually, we need some time to find this out.

In my work with clients, I help them figure out the relationship they have with themselves, then to next work out their relationships with others. From then on, we look to make new patterns. This will take time. It has taken us a life-time to make the patterns that we use now. In a much shorter time, we can change them and set new ones.

We are complicated as individuals and as a couple we become something even more complicated. Before getting into a relationship – start to notice the warning signs. Don’t ignore them……

I am still sad though….and wish warning signs did not exist….

©2016 Yasmin

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July 31, 2016 · 11:23 am

Change; Brexit and Bremain

Parlia pic dark flag right P1040219

What times we live in. So much has changed. So much has happened. In a time of change what can you do to minimize the upset? The trauma of it all? Does it have to be dark?

We have Brexit and not Bremain. Changes are going on. A completely unexpected change. Or is there? Is there really going to be change? I often find people do not like change. Do not like movement and usually do all they can to avoid it. We often hope others can change but not ourselves. The thing is we often have to change. Change ourselves, change how we respond, change what we do. Whether we like it or not; we are changing all the time and those around us are also changing too. Every second of every day we are changing, aging, moving. There is nothing we can do to stop it no matter how much we may try.

Before Brexit, I would ask clients to imagine Brexit actually happening. The unimaginable. Then to imagine themselves being OK. The world not ending. Them adapting and then being able to manage. The world not exploding into riots and currency not being devalued so much that pound notes would need to be carried on wheel barrows in order to buy a loaf of bread. The thing is to go to the place in your head you do not want to go to….and then go. It is amazing what you can imagine if you want to. Then imagine managing. The world still going on. You being OK. The world being OK. Usually the worse we imagine is not as bad as others tell us it will be. Fear usually drives many of our decisions. Going to the fear can free us.

 

©2016 Yaz

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June 22, 2016 · 11:38 am

Elections – Stay or Go Anxiety

*Europe

One of the biggest elections we have ever had in the UK will be today. Its not just an every four year general election. It is something that decides whether we are to remain or leave Europe. I have not yet seen cogent, coherent argument by any one side as to whether to stay or leave. So many people are undecided. It has been very odd. Usually people know what party to vote for in an election. This one seems very different. I wonder if it has been because of all the emotions being thrown around. It certainly brought alot of emotions up to the fore.*Cameron

I have put some of the adverts that have been around during the pre-election period. There was the Farage poster of the queue of immigrants which brought up alot of vitriol. Some like the “Wipe the smile off their faces” made me smile…..

Such an election brings up separation anxiety. Some find it hard to separate under any circumstances. Some find it hard to form relationships and find it hard to stay in committed relationships.To stay or leave? To commit further or to separate. Both seem very difficult.

The point is to work out whether it really is a separation or if the relationship is worth committing to. Various people have said it is important to stay or leave. This has been a referendum without clear policies and statements as to what advantages or disadvantages really come from leaving or staying in Europe.

Then as in all CBT sessions it also comes down to emotions. What decision leaves you with the least distress? What are you more able to live in the long-term with? What do you notice yourself personally leaning towards? Not what the posters say. Not what personalities say. As they do not give  a full picture. Its sound bites and snippets. What sits best with you and your own personal worldview. Then you have an idea where of where your vote will lie. Then mark the ‘X’.

©2016 Yaz

 

*Martin

 

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June 1, 2016 · 10:24 am

Throwing out our rubbish & garbage

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In many parts of the UK the rubbish/bin collections have changed. Pick up times have been moved from weekly to every other week. So every two weeks we get our rubbish picked up. Outside my door are the two sizes of bins. The small green ones which I pack with rubbish for the weekly pick-ups and the large blue and green bins which will be for the every other two week pick-ups later on in June. It seems a silly topic to blog about.

But its like life. We often have to throw our garbage out. We have to erase and wipe out some part of our own hard drive (our mind) and make way for the rewriting the new and informed information we might now have. Information has to be ‘informed’ and not rubbish or garbage. Some people just go on and on with the rubbish being brought up back again and again – like an old awful boyfriend/girlfriend who should have been given their papers ages ago. Instead some rubbish is there right in the forefront rather then moving it away down the chute and then out and disposed of. Why is that? Why do we love our rubbish? Bring it up, open it and go through all the used and rotting food – again and again. Maybe even swim in it. Some of the times we even walk through and drink the bin/rubbish juice. Eugh. Maybe it needs recycled. Maybe it really needs thrown out. But certainly much more then the once every two weeks that the bin men are now going to do in my street. Our own personal bins should be looked at more regularly…..

©2016 Yaz

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February 1, 2016 · 11:55 am

Life returns and tax

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Along with millions of other people in the UK. I was preparing my tax returns for the 31st of January deadline. Other countries have a different deadline. It is a sobering experience preparing the accounts. Putting them together. Looking and dragging out old invoices, statements and receipts. Dredging through old emails and files. Adding them up, clicking and cutting and pasteing.

The reality of adding up the figures of what is or is not there. Every year we can put this together and get an idea of how much into the black or red we are. Such a clever way of finding out where we are numerically. Such a clever way for the government to add to their coffers. Who owes what and how much?

In some ways we need to have such a system to measure how far we go in our own lives. Are we just stuck or moving onwards or downward? How do we measure how we are moving? What parameters do we use? Just the black and white of figures? Our vices? The place we live in? The car we own? Our dogs? Cats? Our partner or the one we found or lost? Our children? The articles, books we have published? The jewellery we now have or lost? These things and more can be added and subtracted in our own personal tax year. Then what about the lies, untruths, deceptions – not only to others but also to ourselves? How do we tally these up? What about large corporations that do not pay tax? People that avoid it? Do they avoid life too? Or do some also have their cake and eat it? Continue reading →

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December 31, 2015 · 4:37 am

Positive Intentions for a Good New Year

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Intentions and Coming New Year

In anything we do; conscious or unconscious – comes an intention. Intentions can make the year as poor or even better then it could ever be. We are so powerful. Our ability to change not just the weather is also our ability to change our own feelings and mood.

We can feel a little ho hum about something. Indifferent, irritated – but we can change it and adapt the feeling and make it even better. We can wake ourselves up from a state of sleep to one of movement and joy. Its funny peculiar how no one comes to see me because they are too happy. Instead people come to see me when they are feeling sad, depressed or anxious. Happiness takes time and effort. It does not always come naturally. A good new year will also take effort and with every hurdle we have to jump higher and higher. I wish you a good new year and one where the road rises up to meet you. The winds always be at your back. The sun shines warm upon your face…..and most of all – that you feel like it does.

May you have a Wonderful New Year

©2015 Yaz

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May 31, 2014 · 11:05 am

Wu chi, emptiness and life repeating itself.

We are pattern-making creatures. We love patterns and repeating ourselves. The only problem arises when the pattern being repeated keeps us stuck and not moving forward.

Wu chi and patterns

Wu chi and patterns

In my last blog I wrote about Wu chi. This is the Chinese metaphysical place of emptiness. A place where everything is the same and nothing changes. In the movie  “Ground Hog day” the anti-hero there discovers the day keeps repeating itself again and again; until he eventually changes himself and not the environment. When he does eventually change himself; after trying every possible superficial permutation – only then does the day change, does his environment and his life change.

If we are in fear – we will keep meeting the place and people who keep us in fear. If we are anxious – we will keep doing the work and seeing the events which keep us locked into anxiety. If we are sad – we will keep thinking and being in the way which keep us in depression. Fear, anxiety, depression, stress are kept more tightly in place when we live in that wu chi.

©2014 Yasmin

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February 16, 2014 · 10:55 am

Your Acceptance Speech

BAFTAI was watching the BAFTA’s (British Academy of Film and Television Arts) tonight. There are awards for all the different categories. Best Director, Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actress and more. They all go to the podium afterwards and then give their thanks, give their acceptance speech. If you were to go up the podium for your life now, your life as it is. Who would you be thanking or blaming? What events would you be ascribing your life turns too?

Best event?

A monumental presence?

Greatest Generosity?

Greatest Effort?

Unflinching quest for truth?

When you raised the bar?

Best New Script? (When you did something out of the ordinary)

Best Costume? (Gives a reason to wear a great suit or outfit…and to look good)

And every year there is another acceptance speech…..what will it be next year?

©2013 Yasmin

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December 1, 2013 · 11:29 am

Expressing Silence

I recently spoke to a sound engineer on producing audios. The world of audio and sound is really that of a another world. When tracks do not flow from one song to another, it is not just about sound fading in and out from one to the other but also it is about recorded sounds. When silence is on the outside it sounds different from the silence which is produced in the recording booth. The silence produced in a recording booth are more compatible with the sounds produced in a recording booth. The silent sounds from outside the recording booth would be jarring and discordant to the sounds produced in the recording booth. The expression – what happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas also applies here ; What is produced and mixed in the recording studio really does belong in the recording studio – sounds and silence.

There are courses and workshops galore on expressing your true self, finding your authentic self, whole processes of expressing anger and feelings. The problem is not just the voice but also the silence. Often the voice and the silence are mass marketed. We are often socialized to express the acceptable sounds and silence. Our true voice and our true happiness comes from the sounds and the silence that have to mix and interplay not just with ourselves but also with the people and the world we live in. The world has so many sounds and silences. The constant chitter chatter that goes on. No wonder it can be tough to voice ourselves – we also have to consider the silence too. To be with ourselves and our own silence is where we truly find peace.

©2013 Yasmin

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April 30, 2013 · 10:44 am

What do you do with junk mail?

I was just looking through my junk mail. Sometimes good mail gets redirected there and needs to be rescued. Sometimes, I even have this strange hope there is some hidden gem hidden there. How odd that I could think that. Maybe a friend has tried to contact me. Maybe I have accidentally put some mail into junk. Looking at the junk mail we can see what fears we may all have. These are the fears the spammers are hoping to trigger. What gets triggered often brings on a behavioural reaction of a hoped for purchase of an item or service. Fears of loneliness, poverty, social inadequacy, unemployment…..the list goes on. The junk mail is the junk of our lives. It feeds and grows Junk Mailoff our fears. Continue reading →

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