Category Archives: Pathology

Family values and Family abuse – Keeping it in the family

shadowOne myth is that you need your family. But what if that family is not good for you? Most times they are good but for some they are unfortunately very harmful. Not everyone grew up in a family where there was love, understanding and growth. Some grew up in places where there was and still is, abuse and contraction. When I first started training as a therapist many years ago – I never understood that concept but after a few years of working as a therapist I discovered otherwise. I grew up in Malaysia and there they often talk about ‘Family Values’. I hear it here in the UK too. But what if your family was one where abuse often did and still does occur? I have heard of people being a target, of exclusion, of systematic beatings, berating, shouting and even rapes. What do you do? Often it is hard to extricate yourself, but to stop abuse, you must leave. Growth will not occur as long as you are within the control and influence of such an environment. As long as you see the family members involved you will revert back to that 4 year old or that 9 year old. As long as you see the other family members who say, what is happening, isn’t happening – then you will also shut your ears, eyes and mouth to what is going on.

There is something attractive and very alluring in the familiar. Even patterns that are abusive can still pull us back. What is the answer? Therapy, going to groups that help you. Moving your energy out to friends and others who will be more helpful to you. What a thought, others outside your family unit might actually be kinder and nicer people. Were you not told for years and years that the ones you had to be afraid of are outside the family unit? Ironic isn’t it?

I advise codependents anonymous and other groups run by the AA. Remember, if you stay and keep staying there, the patterns of abuse will go on repeating like a broken record in you. Many who have been abused find it difficult to maintain relationships and to also earn a living. This all keeps you from being able to leave the place of abuse. Long-term studies of abuse have shown that those who have been abused have poorer mental and physical health in the long-term. Abuse does not stop suddenly because you say it does. It has to be constantly worked at until a new pattern forms. 60 to 70% of those who have been abused in childhood often find themselves also facing domestic abuse with their new formed families. The old patterns if not worked on will be maintained and carried to the children of the abuser and their children’s children too.

©2014 Yasmin

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Addictions and Lies – an addict cannot even trust themselves

Addictions are pernicious and do take over the lives of addicts. If someone you know or love is an addict. Beware. Tread carefully. It is easy to forget in the laughter. The sweet nature of who they really are is down there somewhere but the addiction hangs around like an overstaying guest. If the addict is you, really do see to it. The first step is always to become aware of it and and how it is affecting yours and others lives; then taking the steps to make it more and more conscious. If it is someone you love, a friend, relative, your partner, your child. It takes a lot out of you. From all the many people I have met, that tends to be harder then if the addict is yourself. We can sometimes get used and addicted to the addict remaining an addict. An addict is always dependent.  Never free. The addiction takes a lot of time out of their lives, finding the cash, the search for the object, the secrecy and hiding, the relationship with others who maintain it; all adds to a way of behaviour which keeps it oscillating. Continue reading

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Filed under Abuse, Addiction, Addiction Patterns, Co-dependency, Pathology

Jaycee Lee Dugard and there is no cure for Paedophilia.

There is no cure for Paedophila

There is no cure for Paedophila

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