Category Archives: Co-dependency

Family values and Family abuse – Keeping it in the family

shadowOne myth is that you need your family. But what if that family is not good for you? Most times they are good but for some they are unfortunately very harmful. Not everyone grew up in a family where there was love, understanding and growth. Some grew up in places where there was and still is, abuse and contraction. When I first started training as a therapist many years ago – I never understood that concept but after a few years of working as a therapist I discovered otherwise. I grew up in Malaysia and there they often talk about ‘Family Values’. I hear it here in the UK too. But what if your family was one where abuse often did and still does occur? I have heard of people being a target, of exclusion, of systematic beatings, berating, shouting and even rapes. What do you do? Often it is hard to extricate yourself, but to stop abuse, you must leave. Growth will not occur as long as you are within the control and influence of such an environment. As long as you see the family members involved you will revert back to that 4 year old or that 9 year old. As long as you see the other family members who say, what is happening, isn’t happening – then you will also shut your ears, eyes and mouth to what is going on.

There is something attractive and very alluring in the familiar. Even patterns that are abusive can still pull us back. What is the answer? Therapy, going to groups that help you. Moving your energy out to friends and others who will be more helpful to you. What a thought, others outside your family unit might actually be kinder and nicer people. Were you not told for years and years that the ones you had to be afraid of are outside the family unit? Ironic isn’t it?

I advise codependents anonymous and other groups run by the AA. Remember, if you stay and keep staying there, the patterns of abuse will go on repeating like a broken record in you. Many who have been abused find it difficult to maintain relationships and to also earn a living. This all keeps you from being able to leave the place of abuse. Long-term studies of abuse have shown that those who have been abused have poorer mental and physical health in the long-term. Abuse does not stop suddenly because you say it does. It has to be constantly worked at until a new pattern forms. 60 to 70% of those who have been abused in childhood often find themselves also facing domestic abuse with their new formed families. The old patterns if not worked on will be maintained and carried to the children of the abuser and their children’s children too.

©2014 Yasmin

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Filed under Abuse, Co-dependency, Depression, Pathology

The Euro, Ireland, Greece, Italy, and the continuing Co-dependency issue.

There has been much on the news about the Euro. The euro is a central and common currency of member states in the European union. A lot has been going on about it because it seems certain states within the union have not been keeping to budgets and have been spending far more then they have. I often see parallels in the psyche and behavior and the outside political and economic world. We are after all only people, whether we are presidents, prime-ministers and royalty. We all are under the same sky and all learn behaviours from our parents and family.

What is the nearest we can find in psychotherapy with the behavior that is going on as regards the euro is what is called co-dependency. Some feel codependency is a form of inverted narcissism. It is really an unhealthy love and a very passive almost manipulative and controlling way of taking care of others. It happens in all sorts of relationships; marriage, partnerships, business, work, and especially politics. Where a person is psychologically addicted to drugs or alcohol and the other psychologically dependent on that behavior. Continue reading

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Filed under Co-dependency, Money, Politics

Dominique-Strauss Kahn, The IMF ; Does Sex Addiction come into it?

It damages and affects more then we realiseDominique Strauss-Kahn was the managing director of the IMF (International Monetary Fund) and was reputed to have attacked a chambermaid at the Sofitel Hotel in New York. He was due to return to Europe to work on the monetary problems in the European Union but was instead arrested whilst waiting for the plane to take off. I am not sure what the trial will bring up but what has not been mentioned is that Dominique Strauss-Kahn (DSK) could possibly be a sex-addict. The need to have sex with so many people and in different situations is one of the signs. It has not been a recent habit and he has a history of  being referred to as a ‘great seducer’. Continue reading

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Filed under Addiction, Addiction Patterns, Co-dependency, News, Politics, Psychology

Addictions and Lies – an addict cannot even trust themselves

Addictions are pernicious and do take over the lives of addicts. If someone you know or love is an addict. Beware. Tread carefully. It is easy to forget in the laughter. The sweet nature of who they really are is down there somewhere but the addiction hangs around like an overstaying guest. If the addict is you, really do see to it. The first step is always to become aware of it and and how it is affecting yours and others lives; then taking the steps to make it more and more conscious. If it is someone you love, a friend, relative, your partner, your child. It takes a lot out of you. From all the many people I have met, that tends to be harder then if the addict is yourself. We can sometimes get used and addicted to the addict remaining an addict. An addict is always dependent.  Never free. The addiction takes a lot of time out of their lives, finding the cash, the search for the object, the secrecy and hiding, the relationship with others who maintain it; all adds to a way of behaviour which keeps it oscillating. Continue reading

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Filed under Abuse, Addiction, Addiction Patterns, Co-dependency, Pathology

‘Do the Moi’ and our relationship with ourselves

I just love relationships. They are so complicated yet so simple. It is never boring and will never get monotonous. Why do we so often make things more complicated than they really need to be? One of the most important things we can do is to be direct and open with our partner. Yet, how many people can say that they are direct with their partner let alone themselves? Can anyone be direct with another if they do not know the self?  Ourself, yourself,oneself; So many selves – wise people have said ‘know thyself’ but never have directed us as to how to be direct with ourselves. Continue reading

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Filed under Co-dependency, Psychology, Relationship Patterns