December 19, 2014 · 9:57 am

Christmas and Domestic Abuse

Christmas and Domestic Abuse.

treeChristmas is often a time for the family to get together, a time of cheer and joy. What happens though if the family is an abusive one? One where domestic abuse occurs. Often such a season is one where there are high levels of stress. Buying a gift in such families is one where there is a lot of resentment. If the gift is not liked and the person is abusive, sarcastic comments may ensue. The sit down dinner can be one of intense stress. A meal that is not ‘perfectly’ done can find itself thrown against the wall. Plates shattered and on the floor. Meal times can be one of pure home and domestic terrorism. In the UK a new domestic abuse law has been announced – that of ‘coercive and controlling behaviour’. You don’t have to suffer physical pain to experience domestic abuse, it can also be psychological.

Christmas dinner can be the worse of all meals. Then there is the added financial stress that adds even more to the domestic terrorism that can go on within a household. People needing to walk around on eggshells for fear of ‘provoking’ an outburst by even the most mildest of comments or ‘looks’. Often those who grow up in domestic abuse also continue to marry and partner with future domestic abusers. The lessons start now. Look at where you are. Who you are with? Where do you want to go? Do you have an escape plan? How is money? Is there someone you can discuss this with? Therapy to stop this constant re-enactment? How do we break free of such abuse?

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November 27, 2014 · 10:44 am

Plebgate: going past our own personal plebgates……

Plebgate and the edge

Plebgate and the edge

I don’t know about you but have you noticed how it is very hard to sue and win in an action for libel or slander? And if you win you also lose too? and then costs that are awarded can be so paltry it would have been best to ignore it.

Why do you think that is?

It seems an unwinnable thing really. Today the former government chief whip Andrew Mitchell lost his High Court libel action over the “Plebgate” incident.

What is a pleb? A Pleb (from the Oxford English Dictionary) is a mid 17th century word: originally as plural plebs, from the Latin plebs ‘the common people’.

Whether he called the policemen “plebs” or not in the long run is not the real issue I am looking at here. Why has it been taken further? Do you remember taking something beyond the edge – when it really was time to stop? I think we all have done that. Just in this case all the lawyers won and now it really looks like he did say that. If Andrew Mitchell had not taken it further it could be ascribed to a misunderstanding – now though…..Giving his ruling, Mr Justice Mitting said: “For the reasons given I am satisfied at least on the balance of probabilities that Mr Mitchell did speak the words alleged or something so close to them as to amount to the same including the politically toxic word pleb.”

Sometimes don’t we all wish we could turn back time…..this must be one of them…..and make sure we don’t have our own costly “plebgate” errors in future. …..

©2014 Yasmin

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November 13, 2014 · 2:34 am

Family values and Family abuse – Keeping it in the family

shadowOne myth is that you need your family. But what if that family is not good for you? Most times they are good but for some they are unfortunately very harmful. Not everyone grew up in a family where there was love, understanding and growth. Some grew up in places where there was and still is, abuse and contraction. When I first started training as a therapist many years ago – I never understood that concept but after a few years of working as a therapist I discovered otherwise. I grew up in Malaysia and there they often talk about ‘Family Values’. I hear it here in the UK too. But what if your family was one where abuse often did and still does occur? I have heard of people being a target, of exclusion, of systematic beatings, berating, shouting and even rapes. What do you do? Often it is hard to extricate yourself, but to stop abuse, you must leave. Growth will not occur as long as you are within the control and influence of such an environment. As long as you see the family members involved you will revert back to that 4 year old or that 9 year old. As long as you see the other family members who say, what is happening, isn’t happening – then you will also shut your ears, eyes and mouth to what is going on.

There is something attractive and very alluring in the familiar. Even patterns that are abusive can still pull us back. What is the answer? Therapy, going to groups that help you. Moving your energy out to friends and others who will be more helpful to you. What a thought, others outside your family unit might actually be kinder and nicer people. Were you not told for years and years that the ones you had to be afraid of are outside the family unit? Ironic isn’t it?

I advise codependents anonymous and other groups run by the AA. Remember, if you stay and keep staying there, the patterns of abuse will go on repeating like a broken record in you. Many who have been abused find it difficult to maintain relationships and to also earn a living. This all keeps you from being able to leave the place of abuse. Long-term studies of abuse have shown that those who have been abused have poorer mental and physical health in the long-term. Abuse does not stop suddenly because you say it does. It has to be constantly worked at until a new pattern forms. 60 to 70% of those who have been abused in childhood often find themselves also facing domestic abuse with their new formed families. The old patterns if not worked on will be maintained and carried to the children of the abuser and their children’s children too.

©2014 Yasmin

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September 18, 2014 · 10:32 am

‘Yes’ Vote and ‘No’ Vote; Catastrophisation, Scotland and Independence

Flag of ScotlandEarly Friday morning we will find out whether Scotland gains complete independence or stays within the Union. It is a really exciting time and a sign we live in a democracy for there to be such a vote taking place.  I lived for quite a few years in Scotland. It is a wonderful place and I can completely understand why many in Scotland may want independence. I now live in London and it does feel sad Scotland may split off. I wonder though at the catastrophisation that is going on.

The ‘Yes’ vote and the ‘No’ vote. Will things will be better for Scotland or will Scotland not be able to afford to go on its own? Will the rest of the UK be then pushed into a recession and left with the pieces of a difficult ‘divorce’. I know people who have said if there is a ‘Yes’ vote then they will leave Scotland. Or those who said if there is a ‘No’ vote then they would go into a deep depression.

Not everyone will get the outcome they want but in the end, as in any upset most tend to adapt and then change. Some though will leave. Some will drown their upset in drink. It is a choice we have. This is the same in many other areas of our lives. Do we stay or do we leave? What will benefit our lives the most? This is a once in a life-time decision.

If only we did this more often in our own lives; to vote daily on the important choices and decisions we have within our own lives. To know we never need to say ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ all the time. We can change our minds and we never have to follow the herd.

Meanwhile I wait to see. Will I need to bring my passport with me when I next go north? Will there be border controls? What will life be like after the vote? Will we all really be poorer or is this really political catatrophisation at work?

©2014 Yasmin

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September 4, 2014 · 6:38 pm

Keeping Mum and the icloud

Oh dear. Sometimes there are certain rules in life that are often forgotten. I forget them often myself. I remember as a child being told – if I was doing something I could not tell my mother – then I should not be doing it. The second thing in this internet age is that there is no such thing as privacy.

Nap

What to keep on your icloud – Keep only what mum can see…..

I wonder about the photographs that were put on icloud and have been recently hacked into. This was where some famous female celebrities photographs were redistributed online.

Is this something they could talk about and show their mothers? I do not see to see any photographs of nude men being mentioned amongst the collection of hacked photographs. Someone showed me some of the photographs and I remember thinking – what was going on? There is no such thing as privacy online. This exhibitionism and proliferation of selfies can be so unsafe. Anything that can be kept and used again can be used in a way none of us may plan. These days of webcams. Security cameras. Digital information. We are public everywhere we go.

I am so sorry to see this. Is this a gender thing where women have been socialized to see themselves in such a way or are men far better in not putting anything online? Or is it that hackers were mainly male and only looking for female nudes and there really are photographs of men too in such poses too? Are women too trustful and do not consider their own safety and security? If so, that is so sad and it must have been so traumatising for these individuals to see photographs which were assumed to be private – splashed online.  That would be such a painful Wu Chi feeling to experience. This feeling of loss, embarassment and upset. The wanting to disappear into emptiness. So maybe there is no such thing as privacy and maybe mum was right.

©2014 Yasmin

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May 31, 2014 · 11:05 am

Wu chi, emptiness and life repeating itself.

We are pattern-making creatures. We love patterns and repeating ourselves. The only problem arises when the pattern being repeated keeps us stuck and not moving forward.

Wu chi and patterns

Wu chi and patterns

In my last blog I wrote about Wu chi. This is the Chinese metaphysical place of emptiness. A place where everything is the same and nothing changes. In the movie  “Ground Hog day” the anti-hero there discovers the day keeps repeating itself again and again; until he eventually changes himself and not the environment. When he does eventually change himself; after trying every possible superficial permutation – only then does the day change, does his environment and his life change.

If we are in fear – we will keep meeting the place and people who keep us in fear. If we are anxious – we will keep doing the work and seeing the events which keep us locked into anxiety. If we are sad – we will keep thinking and being in the way which keep us in depression. Fear, anxiety, depression, stress are kept more tightly in place when we live in that wu chi.

©2014 Yasmin

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April 23, 2014 · 8:35 pm

Living in a place of Wu chi and Depression…..

 

Emptiness

Emptiness

Many have heard of Yin and Yang and seen those figures which has a dark area and a light area. Wu chi though is this empty place before Yin and Yang develops…it has nothing. It is nothing and there is nothing. There is no yin and there is no yang.

When there is Tai chi. There is Yin and Yang. The yin and yang do not fight each other, are not fighting, not opposite. They complement each other and cannot be separated. Out of the white is black and out of the black is white. The beginning of the universe.

Often before the Wu chi is the space before the yang and yin. It is nothingness. When in the state of wu chi there is no state of happiness. It is empty and meaningless. Everyday is the same and nothing will happen. Everyday blends into another day. We only start to notice things when there is sadness or happiness. Nothing does begat nothing. When we are in the state of nothing that is when there is hope of development, hope of change into something more. This black hole – infinite density of heat and temperature. When we are there at our darkest is when to open to accept more – when we take risk we then move away from nothingness. We move to a beginning. Our own universe starts and develops when we take risks. Otherwise we are ourselves in Wu chi and emptiness. All the information of the universe is in the area – when we are nothing in there – we absorb everything outside and become more of a nothing in ourselves. Do you notice how people who worry about what others think of them, worry about doing things that please others….seem to be most empty inside? Emptiness inside also leads to us trying to fill up our lives with food, sex, alcohol, drugs and anything to avoid the emptiness. There is no hope for the future in this place. There is no future. Another word for the emptiness in today’s language is depression…….and for those in this space of Wu chi you will need to move to the space with the Tai chi….

©2014 Yasmin    Those who know me also know I like Chinese metaphysics and have been studying and learning it for decades now. I will be writing on this and its interrelationship with western approaches…..

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February 16, 2014 · 10:55 am

Your Acceptance Speech

BAFTAI was watching the BAFTA’s (British Academy of Film and Television Arts) tonight. There are awards for all the different categories. Best Director, Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actress and more. They all go to the podium afterwards and then give their thanks, give their acceptance speech. If you were to go up the podium for your life now, your life as it is. Who would you be thanking or blaming? What events would you be ascribing your life turns too?

Best event?

A monumental presence?

Greatest Generosity?

Greatest Effort?

Unflinching quest for truth?

When you raised the bar?

Best New Script? (When you did something out of the ordinary)

Best Costume? (Gives a reason to wear a great suit or outfit…and to look good)

And every year there is another acceptance speech…..what will it be next year?

©2013 Yasmin

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December 31, 2013 · 6:24 am

New Year and Stress Free Resolutions

Fireworks

Fireworks

New Years day itself, the 1st of January, begins tomorrow for some of us. For others, in different parts of the world, it has already started. It is a day and a date. The New Year of the Gregorian calendar is very similar to the Roman calendar. In 1751, England and Wales had changed the New Year from the 25th March to the 1st January. Can you imagine if it were still celebrated on the 25th of March? Would it make a difference? Would we be having Easter eggs and New Years day within the same time frame?

Meanwhile, I shall celebrate the New Years Eve this evening as New Years day has not changed again and is still set for the 1st of January.

Research on New Years resolutions show that New Year Resolutions often fail.  Why is that? Continue reading →

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December 1, 2013 · 11:29 am

Expressing Silence

I recently spoke to a sound engineer on producing audios. The world of audio and sound is really that of a another world. When tracks do not flow from one song to another, it is not just about sound fading in and out from one to the other but also it is about recorded sounds. When silence is on the outside it sounds different from the silence which is produced in the recording booth. The silence produced in a recording booth are more compatible with the sounds produced in a recording booth. The silent sounds from outside the recording booth would be jarring and discordant to the sounds produced in the recording booth. The expression – what happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas also applies here ; What is produced and mixed in the recording studio really does belong in the recording studio – sounds and silence.

There are courses and workshops galore on expressing your true self, finding your authentic self, whole processes of expressing anger and feelings. The problem is not just the voice but also the silence. Often the voice and the silence are mass marketed. We are often socialized to express the acceptable sounds and silence. Our true voice and our true happiness comes from the sounds and the silence that have to mix and interplay not just with ourselves but also with the people and the world we live in. The world has so many sounds and silences. The constant chitter chatter that goes on. No wonder it can be tough to voice ourselves – we also have to consider the silence too. To be with ourselves and our own silence is where we truly find peace.

©2013 Yasmin

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